I dont get it a lot, but I did only start hearing that from people after I moved to San Francisco, so maybe it is a regional thing. But why do you want them to walk from their car to your door and back again regardless of the weather? Be blunt. And then there was the time we had this conversation: So I was talking to this guy Stephan last night, and he invited me over to a party he is having this evening. I may be doing nude dancing. Come and help me usher in a new age. Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. That being said, I would check in with yourself and ask, are you still spending solo time with your friends? Heres what I suggest. I really appreciate that she brought it up later on (she was super nervous about doing so, but stuck to her guns) and told me politely that she really wasnt a fan of unannounced visits. I can usually drop by before moving on to my next event. Hell no!! He's not going to know your reasoning for wanting to come over and will be more likely to turn you down. Two Friendly Ways to Invite Someone in English Option 1: Start with a simple question. Makes me pretty anxious about having ANY visitors. Me and my friends have all spent a lot of time in mixed-nationality European groups, and this is a thing that has caused me and my friends some problems in the past: Thing you say at a party / pub to someone youre getting on with: Oh, you want to see that film too? 2. Me: Ummm have fun? We were all night owls, but at least twice visits in the neighborhood were after 11pm. I cant describe the horror that washes over me at the thought of a random drop-in, and there is not one single person on the face of the earth that could do that and not trigger that reaction. Lets say you were completely wrong when you showed off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you so. I like to be able to decline social invitations. I think Id be really bothered and upset by someone showing up to my house unannounced, or even my dorm room/building/suite. You could say Im going to go to X Comic Book Store that day, want to join me? Youre not inviting yourself along on their day, youre inviting them along on yours. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. You didnt give that impression at all. Seconded! Such a waste, from my perspective. It drives me up the wall too! I know my grandmother wasnt wild about it, but she clearly gave up trying to set that boundary some time in the early 1980s and ended up just expecting the rudeness. Ohhhhhhh yeah. Asking someone over to hang out at your house is much more personal if you ask him in person -- when that's possible and practical. Yeah. *Maybe* they came in super quick to pee because they were on a long hike across the neighborhood, but that was it. Which goes to show how very individual the boundaries are. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. they just didnt want me there. I expect that this is remarkably relevant to the whole I need to clean because someone is about to visit issue these days, houses are smaller than gentry-and-nobility houses, and we mostly dont have parlors separate from living areas. I am not even going to touch the remark about cleaning. Pack a bag for your sleepover. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. hut it's in the files, of course." They had got back to the door . As always, excellent advice Captain! But I did start noodling around on Twitter more recently, and all of a sudden I started getting more invites from my friends who use Twitter as much as I do. I know people who do this (I am not one of them, however). So glad youre not busy in the afternoon. Thank you! i do not mean: we talked at work once and she didnt invite me to her wedding. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. Especially because Im a person who is constantly worried about if Im inconveniencing them or pressuring them. That is why some even go as far as comparing it to playing chess. Additional awkwardness if I have company already and didnt invite the drop-inner. Keep it to ones self, I say. 5,121 views Aug 1, 2012 40 Dislike Share Save Carli Olson 11. Physical issues too. The reason is that I didnt invite you. It feels like a Big Commitment to do complex scheduling on everything, whereas yo Im walking my dog down your street feels very, very low key to me. Now that were grown? Different people have different expectations for what a friendship will look like, and different needs re: social and alone time. But arkadyrose was talking about wedding with one person and another person inserted themself into the conversation. People who drop by are unlikely to find me conscious or appropriately dressed. For example if Bob Alice Camille Davy et al all know that Bob and Gerry are going on their honeymoon starting on Friday, I will feel fine talking about the picnic on Saturday. "You know where he lives?'' "No. I have a very good friend who does this. Its definitely a different dynamic from things like uni friends where its a smaller and tighter group that you hang out with them in person all the time though. I interpreted the person youre responding to as talking about the idea that your house has to be pinterest-worthy before guests can enter it, which I resonated with. THEM: Oh man, well definitely come along next time!. Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. Awful. For instance, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., you won't discuss chores around the house or the kids (unless it's an emergency) because it pulls you and everyone in the house out of work mode into house . My mother has a key to my home on the express condition that she never use it unless I have explicitly asked her to or I am actually dead. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. I wouldnt feel weird discussing a one on one hangout around somebody else (So when Andrew and I were having dinner at Moose Hut) because to me, one on one hangouts are just that. Im not even inviting everyone on the ministry team (I lead sung worship) there are a select few Ive invited, and there are several friends who have been invited but cant make it, and its only natural that we do discuss the wedding (its a church wedding, so obviously we discuss it in church! My example above works well for both his and my anxieties. Followed by pedicures and an outdoor screening of Clueless? I am right there with you! is way more hassle than Hes here; Im leaving now especially since Im usually fleeing with a handful of stuff that hasnt quite made it into my purse yet. (Hearing about a movie a bunch of friends are seeing) "Sounds fun. They also make me pretty tired. I sent out the wedding invitations to all my friends. However, I am still friends with the first person. It might just be easier to never mention social plans around her, but thats not really a sustainable optionis it? I think just showing up is different from inviting yourself over in a way that allows for a no, but some people would be very uncomfortable even with asking if you can come over (the assumption being that if they want you to come to their house, its on THEM to ask YOU). So I did a frantic quick clean, left the place unlocked, and left them a note saying that their child would be home about an hour and a half after their arrival, and Id be there about an hour after that. Copyright. It can also feel shameful if you have been to the person whos visitings house, and their place is/seems spotless, fancy, and smells like freshly baked pie, and then they want to come and visit you and your place isvery much not like that. Also, I love the distinction of Ask v. Guess (and boy does that explain some things about my boss). But since the LW was asking about why a person might be upset about an unexpected visit I wanted to throw in the fact that there are many reasons a host might not want a drop-in visit, not just the need to shame clean, which I think is well represented by many of the comments above me. Inviting yourself over to her place. To me, it matters what sort of event it is. My personal flag system (to go with the Captains examples above) doesnt include any Yellow Flags, because I prefer to err on the side of missing out rather than accidentally inviting myself to things. Hah. I want you to keep that AC running. We do our weekly cleaning Sunday morning anyway so thats also the cleanest time of the week! The situations you describe wouldnt bother me in the least! . You must not mind being told not a good time, please leave. Im in the neighborhood. But I didnt tell her I was in the area. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? - JAD Aug 1, 2017 at 14:12 3 "Do take pictures" could be an alternative - JollyJoker Aug 1, 2017 at 14:44 9 Every so often there is a shitty parent who doesnt care if your kids like each other (because they dont like you or your kid for some stupid reason), but I think you get maybe four asks, versus adult arrangements. LW says they considered this person their *best friend. I recognize that this is more my problem than theirs, but I like my budget! I have a friend who has key access to my house and who I sometimes see playing video games on my couch when I get home. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. understanding what the other person wants you to do or say about it If she shouts at you? I like to be alone. Oh I love nude dancing! The end. That seems like a perfect little interaction to me, am I missing something? I wasnt invited (I know I wasnt, because I helped housemate put together the cute gingham ribboned cards while watching dancing with the stars). That will give him the idea that you are busy and likable to people, and he will have more interest in you. Show up with boyfriend to events that are pretty obviously not SO friendly (girls only brunches/nights out) Ha! Although Ive occasionally had friends who would text me while standing on my doorstep, which, interestingly, is worse than either showing up unannounced or texting ahead of time. You watch for the car and come out, or even sit on the front step and wait for your ride. The default should, IMVHO, probably be dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary, be it a dorm room, apartment or house, without them specifically saying that you are welcome to drop by any time, using their words, and unless your rules are similar and also expressed clearly, using your words. Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. I also used to belong to a religion that included unannounced visits as pretty much a matter of course, and I hated those, too. Ask him over because he won't say no. I usually dont got to bed until 3 or 4, but after 9 or 10 Im usually not prepared to leave or entertain without serious incentive or an established plan. Or you could be waiting on the porch/by the window and ready to go, since someones being nice enough to pick you up? She used to do this thing where she would text that she was in the area but never in a way that left me an option on hanging out. (This, I think, arises in part from the opposite problemif someone were to suggest that they come along to something I had planned, I would have a VERY hard time refusing them even if I really didnt want them to be there. Every situation is different. Hey, these new gaslights I bought, arent they great?. If you want to make out but don't want the risk of things going further, invite him to dinner and a movie. Anyway, Im pretty much resigned to the fact that giving unsolicited advice is a social faux pas, so am trying to focus on other gifts that others might offer me instead. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. The nice thing about a heads-up text is that its universally appropriate. So sorry to say theres no hard and fast rule. They also only had this happen to them twice before they stopped showing up early. Answer door, but open it only a crack. I seem to have gotten better at finding people who actually value me, but I try my hardest not to impose Theres nothing quite like the realization that through a misunderstanding, youve encroached on a group that doesnt really want or like you. 3. Ring the doorbell I would have said this was a healthy supportive relationship. If they are always too busy, skip* to the end. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. Every time I have invited my mom to any of the apartments Ive lived in, shes always found something to criticize about the cleanliness. One night at around midnight one of them (we shall call her Britney) woke my by pounding on my door with such ferocity that I thought there must be an emergency, so I opened the door. If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. and our Apparently he was known for it, and it was about the only thing he was known for because hardly anyone actually knew him that well. Be specific as to drawing out how late its okay to phone, how much notice she needs for an invitation for a meal, how much notice she needs if youre to drop by when youre in the neighborhood. If Im doing my stuff and dont have the emotional currenncy to make awkward small talk with an acquaintance in the street Ill darn well duck behind a tree and hide. It doesn't have to. Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. You *do* have manners, thats why you emailed. Hey, I was just about to get something from my car. This is partly based on what I observed of other kids. So maybe but I guess will never know. The point is to let them know that someone is at home, yet while not opening the door to a potential home invasion. Saying Hey, Ill be dropping by in about ten minutes! is not asking, that is demanding. I think it comes from the assumption that people in certain cultures have that everyone keeps their houses a basic level of clean. So far it seems to work. I asked N if that was ok, she said it was, and that K is always at her house anyways. You know, I was- And I really, really, REALLY dislike it when people try to invite themselves on my vacations. *I am the still, deep, blue water* Its a shame, but its actually easier to break up from romantic relationships than from friendship ones. When I asked him about the surprise invites, his reply was, I thought it was efficient to get all my social obligations taken care of at once. But I guess this goes hand in hand with another (also common in my social circles) practice, that of regularly making tentative plans that are never executed. The Captain mentioned the Ask vs. Clean the dishes in the sink? Is something the matter? response from me, so. You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. If theyd gone with the latter I could give a soft no if I wasnt feeling it and dignity for all would be kept intact, but by hiding that question it pre-empts the soft no by making you divulge that no you didnt really have any plans and are in fact free, thus making it trickier to evade an unwanted invitation gracefully. Be female. Yes. Either the object of your attention will track you down when their schedule clears, or theyll drift back into your orbit in some serendipitous way a few months down the road and youll have the opportunity to try again, or they wont. Let them know! i think it does reflect your relationship, and that is not a bad thing! Not saying this is a sensible way to do things, but for anyone else readingyes, sometimes it does slip peoples minds!). However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. Or if I say, to, in a completely made-up situation, to my dads sweet elderly Midwestern cousin, Oh sure come over for lunch the next time you have to be in town to go to the VA. Oh. I suspect the same general pattern still exists, because no one seems to talk about arranging playdates for teenagers. I never knew how long the visit would be. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! I would have a lot less anxiety about visitors if I could trust people to listen to what Im asking them to do in my home, whether thats taking shoes off by the door or sitting the fuck down when asked to. Should I go or not? Yeah, definitely my building has a lock on the front gate that can only be opened with a key, no buzzer/code to punch in/etc., so my friends have to text me in order to get to my doorbell anyway; I would rather they just text me and have me run out to the car to save them the trouble of parking! She, the etiquette queen, would leave me hanging for months before answering. I dont always remember (to check my calendar, that is.). I grew up in the country where this was just A Thing That Happened. Your flat is absolutely not an option, so the best thing to do here is just to go ahead and ask him. I once got taken by surprise by my cousin at her birthday party asking why my boyfriend hadnt come. My parents put up with it because faaaaaaaaaaammmilyyyyyyyy. For more information, please see our I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? Or you could leave her wondering why you werent there. Ill only use that one if I know that friend in question will be able to say no and we can laugh it off, and usually give an out. (stupid). Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. Most times its a yeah or no but well be home in an hour, go on and let yourself in. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not..