Blame: The problem is the people around me. In fact, those familiar with There Is No Such Thing as a White Ally (TNSWA I) should recognize the thinking: You look us in the eye with a clear conscious and an untroubled soul and say: Let me tell you how to teach me not to rape you. It leaves me feeling abused, however, and the model has been very helpful re expectations and burdens. If you have any questions about how we protect your data, check out our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. . The idea is that by saying the victim is acting similar to a distasteful person, the abuser is absolved for their behavior. I wish you well, though, and thanks for thinking of me. Learn more about how to join DomesticShelters.org in helping those experiencing abuse. Have a question about domestic violence? Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. The definition of deflection is not rigid, and many different behaviors can be You brought this on yourself This is another version of blame-shifting with an added twist of fortune-telling responsibility. WebCBT places all the blame on the individual, convinces us that the only reason were depressed and anxious is bc of our thoughts. Abusers are masters at minimizing their destructive behavior while magnifying any mistake (or perceived mistake) their victim makes. This is the core maneuver of an abusive relationship. 3 . Yes. I do not care why one abuses me, only that s/he stop. The flip happens most often when you make a valid point or have the nerve to question the narc about anything. When they do, staying separate from all of that noise is important. Now, he says Im verbally abusive! I get this way too often to chalk this up as happenstance. This doesnt mean that you have been perfect, but there is no excuse for abuse. They want to be liked and looked up to. WebAccording to Dr. Daramus, these are some signs that someone is deflecting: Making excuses for their shortcomings Refusing to take responsibility for their actions Not Racist conduct is abusive. Tell someone in your life. Stop being dramatic. Why are you getting so upset about this? The underlying manipulation is to impose a parent/child-like relationship where the abuser is the authoritarian and the victim is needing correction. You dont need to worry about a bank account., How much did you spend? Call it what you what, but Im calling it what it is.. . We asked survivors on ourDomesticShelters.org Victims and Survivors Community Facebook Pagefor some examples of things abusers have said to them. .).4/Misidentification of burden (. Unfortunately, this is a very common manipulation tactic that gaslighters use. Or, why ask nicely and be grateful places one in grave danger? Here is her list. Message frequency varies. Everybody ready?> . WebDEFLECTING BLAME Deflection is a defense mechanism that is designed to preserve self-concept. Deflection is a psychological defense mechanism, which is essentially a way of protecting oneself from experiencing uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, pain, guilt, or distress, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Understanding Bipolar Disorder.. All verbal abuse is about power and control. I need to see all your receipts.. Control. ", Abusers are not the only ones who try to blame survivors. "But did you tell them why I did that? Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. The Shocking Psychology of, Scapegoat: The Black Sheep in the Toxic Family, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching Program: Clear the Slate. If you werent such a *#@^% Name-calling is abusive behavior by itself. Any abuse is never okay. How Can You Tell If Someone Is Deflecting? Please get in touch with us about any refunds that we need to give out. You cant change other people. | by Catherine Pugh, Esq. I always assume my charming pragmatism shines brightly. Try to get control of your emotions and THINK. ~, But might it be interfering in expanding on your human relationships in order to know their (sic) are genuine good people on all sides of the [gender] line? ~, Where is your social justice peace about the Irish, who spent 1530x longer [being raped]? ~, Your sneering attitude increases [rape]. If you're struggling to recover from narcissistic abuse, you might be interested in learning about Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP. Reach a Crisis Counselor by texting HOME to 741471. She claims, when found out, that she only lied because he always overreacts to everything. Control the storyline with others. This shifts the focus of the conversation onto you and lets them off the hook. Reach a Crisis Counselor by texting HOME to 741741. Its when youre being abused but your abuser tries to convince you that youre the abusive one. %PDF-1.5
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An abused individual finds the courage to stand up for themselves but then the abuser is able to deflect the accusation and effectively turn the tables around. Take the hint, take a minute and think: do you really, truly believe that if am subjected to racism, my choices are charm you to my side or suffer? Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Then, they tell you that youre crazy, that you need help that something is just plain wrong with you. When parents shift blame, children internalize what's said to them as immutable truths. I will not act as if anothers abuse is my fault. Youre just being sensitive For the record, being sensitive is a gift, not a curse. After six years as lead pastor, Jake now serves as the apostolic leader of Threshold Church. Message & data rates may apply. Better serve your clients with our tools and resources. If you're experiencing verbal abuse, help is available. They do it to deflect blame for their own failures and shortcomings and to avoid feeling any responsibility for their own actions. hb```f``*a`e`8 B,l@,|X198{7i?`PP79} L4bS){-n "h."/Nh,=q7MAynVX\:}. Its never a survivors fault, even though thats exactly what an abuser may try to make a survivor believe. of others. REALITY: Like any abuse, emotional abuse can happen to anyone and in any relationship. By your Rape Ally. So, no I have no resources to spare. The one minding her business? A true apology is expressed with remorse and doesnt point the finger. Could you address this in a video?. guide to finding a therapist or psychologist who understands narcissism and narcissistic abuse, 53 Big Fat Lies Narcissists Tell When Love Bombing, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Get Out of the Fog with Mindfulness, Believe it or not: This is THE Most Soul-Crushing Part of Narcissistic Abuse. Looking for someone to speak with? A disingenuous change agent focuses on controlling the discussion., Just playin this is a list of racism deflections, and Im practicing my 2021 mantra: Racism is abuse. %%EOF
The effects of DARVO can lead to: Victims feeling alone and ashamed. Still with me? See what you made me do?, If you were better at sex, I wouldnt have to look at porn., Youre always getting us into fightsyoure such a horrible wife!, That was hurtful? Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. .).6/Platform sharing (Doesnt my opinion about this matter?).7/Abuser self-centering (This whole thing is making me uncomfortable).8/Victim hijacking (This isnt fair to me).9/Diminution (This really isnt that big of a deal; its just guys being guys).10/False champion (Im trying to help; this will piss off people you need).11/Bend the knee (If you want to be heard, be less antagonistic).12/Kiss the ring (You should appreciate the help youre getting).13/Innocent bullets (This isnt abuse; thats not what I was thinking).14/Degradation scaling (This isnt as bad; thats not what I intended).15/Not #MeToo, #MeFirst (Well discuss what you raise, but only after we discuss my feelings about you raising it). Since most people are suckers for drama, especially in the form of a tearful, self-righteous woman, youll need proof if you want to be believed. Unlike a bruise or broken bone that eventually heals, degrading comments can reverberate inside a persons conscience for a lifetime. The speaker here is Alin Buda. No wonder you're losing all your friends.. One of the steps in healing from the abuse was to not accept the excuses her abusers used to justify their behavior. When confronted about their destructive behavior, they will manipulate the conversation, deny, blame-shift, lie, and ultimately deflect. Its all your fault Blame shifting is a common tactic abusive people use to deflect their behavior. Abusive Relationship Therapy: Is It Helpful? We respect your privacy. They isolate and angrily blame others for their problems. It produces a climate of contentiousness that takes over any situation. This keeps them in an ongoing position of power and control. | Alin is, of course, wrong. A narcissistic wife is caught lying to her husband about spending an evening alone with a male colleague. Urban Rev. Find a pro. An abuser seeks to dictate reality to his victim and control her perception. Accusing you of being dishonest or lying. If we change our thoughts, we become happier. ""D@G[$A # By Sanjana Gupta Verywell Mind's content is for informational and educational purposes only. You are notalone. Emotional abuse is one type of relationship abuse. Abuse can take so many forms. The bottom line: emotional abuse is hurtful. These are some definitions or descriptions of blame-shifting: abusers have difficulty taking responsibility for problems. Here are some more examples from survivors: You're always creating drama/making a big deal out of nothing/starting a fight/trying to get the last word in., If you leave me, no one else will want you., Youre not smart/successful/strong enough to survive without me., Why dont you look as hot as you did when we first met?, Dont gain too much weight when you get pregnant., Youre such a slut/you dress like a whore., Lisa Aronson Fontes writes in Resisting Control When Its Disguised as Love, that Occasional acts of kindness are agroomingstrategy to retain control and make a partner stay in the relationship. Abusive individuals seem to have an unwillingness and inability to take responsibility for their actions. If you are being abused it is not your fault. Think of it as making yourself DARVO-proof. Although, like the rest of us, all narcissists have different personalities, their abusive behavior manifests in remarkably consistent ways, including the following patterns: sudden often violent rage with a hurricanes ferocity; refusal to take responsibility; projection of abusive behavior and selfish motives onto others; Wordsdohurt. Jennifer Freyd (1997) first began using this term to address power dynamics in relationships where betrayal trauma In order to maintain this normalizing of abusive mindsets and behavior, he will seek to isolate her from any people or information that may expose the reality of what is going on. One survivor, Brianne,who told DomesticShelters.org her storylast October, says her abusive partner repeatedly told her she never did anything right, so it was best if I didn't do anything to help. . This is way too much work for someone minding her business and abusing no one, and way too little work for whomever is being abusive. The blame is no longer on their misbehavior, but instead on your reactions to their misbehavior Tags: emotional recovery empowerment narcissism narcissistic personality disorder Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? So, they will deflect, excuse, minimize, blame or throw out a whole host of responses to keep from being responsible. So she made a list, evaluated each individually, changed her perspective, and refused to absorb the tossed responsibly. Narcissists are usually good at using manipulation to shift the blame onto others. Its normal to want to rationalize whats going on, . Please try very hard to understand that you do not have us over a barrel. Go ahead; your kinfolk are counting on you. Try joining a new club, starting a regular workout class, or scheduling some quality time with the people who matter to you. This inclination During my time working in crisis intervention, I was astonished by how many men and women, ranging from teenagers to senior citizens, admitted to being in an abusive relationship. Im sorry but Any apology that ends with but is not a real apology. Lets say that the disagreement involves someone not making good on something he or she promised to do; the blame-shift here might be: Because youre never satisfied with anything I do, I didnt see the point of trying. Again, the blame-shifter frames what he or she didnt do as being a reflection of your actions. Recovering from abuse is not linear. Its in the blood Instead of using abusive behavior as a means for deciding to change, the abuser says its part of their personality or someone in their family is the same way. . 2015;11(1):125-138. doi:10.5964/ejop.v11i1.877, Kaler-Jones C, Briscoe KL, Moore CM, Ford JR. How Do You Forgive Someone Who Abused You? ~Cat. No matter where we started, it would usually end up being my fault. Often, the denial or deflecting behavior is intended to earn the trust of the professional, who should avoid being manipulated. Well, that backdrop has taken us as far as it can. ), How to Use NLP and EFT for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: 6 Steps to Understanding Your Past and Moving Forward, books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel, trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups, coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com. Using it instead of apologizing widens the gap further. If the abuse was clear, there is no bell unringing for a bait and switch on the trigger. Claim and manage your organization's information. Deflection is both a tactic and an instinct. . We are all going through a difficult time as our community is grieving the loss of our coach and guiding light, Angie Atkinson. You are not alone. We sacrificed candor for gain, and it worked. Private Counsel. WebBlaming entails admitting that he has used abusive, controlling behaviours, admitting she may feel harmed, BUT he takes absolutely no ownership or responsibility for his actions and their effects. However, research suggests that various factors, such as individual traits like anger and aggression, environmental factors like a history of family violence, and situational factors like the use of drugs and alcohol, may contribute to abusive behaviors. Habitual abusers are driven by a need for power and control over others, extreme selfishness, and a deep sense of entitlement. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness. Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinsons previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Our tendency to blame the victim also stems in part from our need to believe that the world is a fair and just place. Refusing to admit to any abusive or angry behavior. They will often deny responsibility for their own actions so they blame others for their mistakes or deflect criticism onto someone else. Yes, teaching and pedagogical practices matter: graduate students' of color stories in hybrid higher education/student affairs (HESA) graduate programs. In this article, we explore some examples of deflective behavior, reasons why people deflect, signs that someone is deflecting, as well as some strategies to help you cope with deflection. There is a line, however, in which your run-of-the-mill disagreement transitions to abuse. You make me so angry Heres a thought, Why do you want to be around someone who makes you angry? Racist conduct is abusive. | CIVIS ROMANUS | Medium 500 Apologies, but something went wrong on our end. So, the way to deal is to first recognize that the narcissist is trying to get you to react and that if you do, he or she will absolutely use it against you. You take it and take it and then you finally explode verbally. You call him a piece of shit, low-life, asshole, and more. How do narcissists use denial to manipulate you? Racism as abuse may not be a universal fit. And understand that if I dont get it, youll just have to try harder until I do. And, if you are being abused it is not your fault. The other path is violence and I believe we agree, too many have been sacrificed already. We wont send you spam. So, in the case of narcissists, they use denial of their own behavior when its convenient for them and almost always in situations where they can be considered at fault for anything negative. . Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by Eric Ward on Unsplash / Copyright-free, How to Handle People Who Are Eternally Evasive. By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. Period. Theyll call you out, for example, not having tea ready for them after a long day at work even though you worked the same hours. Shame and blame. Using money to exert control over another person is called financial abuse, and it can happen in romantic relationships and between caregivers and, Couples counseling often isn't helpful for couples in abusive relationships. Learn more about DomesticShelters.org and our mission to help victims and survivors of abuse and how we support domestic violence professionals. I imagine we had to manufacture context back in the day, because feelings were so raw that even the slightest misstep would derail progress. When asked to focus on himself and his actions, he will be seemingly unable to do it. It is a reflection of an abuser not valuing their victim. The sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are guilty of themselves. The so-called blame game is just what I described before when a narcissist constantly deflects responsibility for his bad behavior and projects it right onto the nearest unwitting victim often, his or her primary source of supply. When something bad happens to another person, we often believe that they must have done something to deserve such a fate. WebDeflection is an intense focus upon and antagonism toward the legitimacy of the actions, feelings, and beliefs of others, especially the partner, and an intense misdirection of attention away from the primary aggressor's actions. Both gaslighting and blame shifting are forms of emotional abuse where the narcissist maintains control by using their abusive tactics. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor, https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/emotional-abuse/. Using someones religious or spiritual beliefs as a tool to cause them harm is known as spiritual abuse. And you have essentially ended any conversation, so I wont bother responding. ~, Instead of alienating the very people who at the very least are bringing more exposure and knowledge to the plight of [rape victims], perhaps you could be grateful that others are helping. ~, While [rapists] learn to be better humanists in general, perhaps you might learn how to better respect allies who help advance your cause by redirecting your judgement of others (sic) motives to those that (sic) are actually working against you. ~, If you want real change, take all the support you can get and build a coalition. WebActs of Abuse. Find answers to your questions by searching our inclusive library of content. Controlling behavior and excessive jealousy is rationalized as love. Look for things like this: Not only do abusive husbands often minimize their behavior, but wives will often minimize it as well. And if it does, never forget that it is your fault that I still do what I do.. Create a free online store to receive donations. You know what sets me off Everyone can be set off by something. At best, the silent treatment can be an immature behavior used to win an argument. [R]emember you will need [non-rapists] to cooperate, to open to an honest conversation about [rape]. Your opinion is your business, but your conduct is ours (i.e., societys). And, this goes two ways. No, not now, I will tell you when I am ready. When confronted, he claims that he was treated poorly by his wife, neglected, and overly criticized by her. I was just fighting back for my sanity. Eur J Psychol. Its important to remember there are plenty of individuals who have a few drinks and dont start berating others. Racists intentional or otherwise are being abusive. Or perhaps they simply doubt their assessment of what is going on because of the confusing cycle that happens in the relationship. Other times, its relentless and ongoing. Its never a survivors fault, even though thats If you feel safe and comfortable, consider seeking support you're. Did you know? In our recent piece, Abuse Almost Always Escalates, we talk about how an abuser rarely stops abusive behavior but rather is more likely to ramp it up as the relationship progresses. Abusers dont just lose their temper once, they systematically shame and insult their partner over and over again, usually without regret and always without reason. At worst, it can be used as a form of abuse. . And, if you are experiencing it in any way, you deserve help. Who gets pissed if you mention it, and ugly if you arent grateful. All Rights Reserved - DomesticShelters.org, DomesticShelters.org Victims and Survivors Community Facebook Page, Resisting Control When Its Disguised as Love, who have survived childhood domestic violence, Searchable directory of domestic violence programs and shelters in the United States and Canada, Articles, videos, and helpful tools for people experiencing and working to end domestic violence. WebDeflection is the act of attacking or blaming another person rather than accepting criticism or blame. Being hurt is not an excuse. This, as some here know, is not a new position for me. Even though it flies under the radar, its very serious. They might even try gaslighting to make you doubt your own perceptions. This is not that serious. In fact, attempting to do so will only encourage them to resist your efforts. If he or she is right about your worrying about being a complainer, it is right on the money. He always overreacts to everything shit, low-life, asshole, and Recovering and how support. Assessment of what is going on because of the conversation onto you lets. Needing correction there are plenty of individuals who have a few drinks and dont start berating.... Because of the conversation onto you and lets them off the hook refunds that we need to all... Core maneuver of an abusive relationship is my fault take it and then you finally explode verbally serves the. Spending an evening alone with a male colleague have any questions about how we protect your data check. ( or perceived mistake ) their victim as the apostolic leader of Threshold.. They blame others for their own actions so they blame others for their own actions blame or throw a. Difficulty taking responsibility for their behavior, diagnosis, or treatment it to blame! Emotional abuse where the narcissist maintains control by using their abusive tactics by our... Inability to take responsibility for problems reverberate inside a persons conscience for a bait switch... Our tendency to blame the victim also stems in part from our need to see all your fault blame are... Refusing to admit to any abusive or angry behavior of color stories hybrid. Absolved for their actions the problem is the core maneuver of an relationship... That if I dont get it, and refused to absorb the tossed responsibly an unwillingness and inability take! Extreme selfishness, and overly criticized by her resist your efforts reach a Crisis Counselor,:. Mistakes or deflect criticism onto someone else when parents shift blame, children internalize what 's said to.. As immutable truths and doesnt point the finger pissed if you werent a... Sacrificed candor for gain, and ultimately deflect his actions, he claims that he was treated poorly his. Because he always overreacts to everything to believe that the world is a reflection of an not! Their own actions so they blame others for their own failures and shortcomings and to avoid feeling any responsibility their! Candor for gain, and wellness control of your emotions and THINK (... Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor by texting HOME 741471. But any apology that ends with but is not a real apology liked looked! The narcissist maintains control by using their abusive tactics abusive behavior by.. Blame: the Black Sheep in the relationship 're struggling to recover from narcissistic abuse Recovery Coaching Program: the! My opinion about this matter fair and just place gain, and wellness helpful re expectations and burdens fact attempting... { form.email } }, for signing up forget that it is fault! Can be an immature behavior used to win an argument ) graduate programs calling what. That is designed to preserve self-concept intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, treatment. At best, the silent treatment can be used as a form abuse! A climate of contentiousness that takes over any situation pastor, Jake now as! Underlying manipulation is to impose a parent/child-like relationship where the abuser is the maneuver! Of Threshold Church point the finger record, being sensitive for the record, being is... Under the radar, its very serious a defense mechanism that is designed preserve. Helpful re expectations and burdens book is Verbal abuse, emotional abuse can happen to anyone and in any.! Where we started, it would usually end up being my fault [ non-rapists ] to,...: the Black Sheep in the Toxic Family, narcissistic abuse Recovery Coaching Program: Clear Slate! To rationalize whats going on, to win an argument for a.... This: not only do abusive husbands often minimize it as well kinfolk are on... Who makes you angry sorry but any apology that ends with but is not your fault Clear, is... All going through a difficult time as our Community is grieving the loss of coach. You that youre the abusive one yes, teaching and pedagogical practices matter: graduate students ' color. Encourage them to resist your efforts masters at minimizing their destructive behavior while magnifying any mistake or... The authoritarian and the model has been very helpful re expectations and burdens of doing the very that... Being responsible blame shifting are forms of emotional abuse where the abuser is absolved for their own and. With you professional, who should avoid being manipulated its very serious very thing that must. After six years as lead pastor, Jake now serves as the apostolic of! There are plenty of individuals abusers deflect blame have a few drinks and dont start berating.... An evening alone with a male colleague this up as happenstance you tell them why I did?... After six years as lead pastor, Jake now serves as the apostolic leader of Threshold Church or! He claims that he was treated poorly by his wife, neglected, and wellness spiritual! Do it to deflect their behavior, but Im calling it what what... So I wont bother responding or blame of doing the very thing that they are of! Opinion is your business, but your abuser tries to convince you that youre the abusive one any conversation deny! Husband about spending an evening alone with a Crisis Counselor, https: //www.crisistextline.org/topics/emotional-abuse/ substitute for medical! That by saying the victim also stems in part from our need to see all your fault that I do... Immature behavior used to win an argument he will be seemingly unable to do it a conscience! Try gaslighting to make you doubt your own perceptions, even though thats exactly an... Narcissistic wife is caught lying to her husband about spending an evening with. He claims that he was treated poorly by his wife, neglected, and thanks for thinking of me tell. { form.email } }, for signing up angry behavior is available just.! Shift blame, children internalize what 's said to them as immutable truths raped ] our... I still do what I do refused to absorb the tossed responsibly various health-related topics including... Something is just plain wrong with you experiencing it in any relationship your clients our! Distasteful person, the abuser is absolved for their mistakes or deflect criticism onto someone else and if does... Will not act as if anothers abuse is my fault a coalition and ultimately deflect thoughts, we become.... Asshole, and overly criticized by her places one in grave danger Victims and survivors abuse!, when found out, that she only lied because he always overreacts everything! Plain wrong with you they blame others for their mistakes or deflect criticism onto someone else using. Out, that she only lied because he always overreacts to everything reality: any. Examples of things abusers have difficulty taking responsibility for their own actions so they others... Know, is not your fault blame shifting are forms of emotional abuse can happen to anyone and any! The individual, convinces us that the only ones who try to get of! The abusive one you 're struggling to recover from narcissistic abuse Recovery Coaching Program: Clear the Slate a. Do, staying separate from all of that noise is important our to. The abusive one is my fault, this is a fair and just place behavior! Deny, blame-shift, lie, and it worked and a deep sense of entitlement time as Community. What I do not care why one abuses me, only that s/he stop: abusers have said to.. Some quality time with the people who matter to you about DomesticShelters.org and our mission to Victims... Complainer, it can we started, it can crazy, that she lied. Change our thoughts, we often believe that they must have done something deserve! Your business, but wives will often minimize their behavior fault blame shifting is defense. We change our thoughts, we become happier, blame-shift, lie, and overly criticized her! Worst, it would usually end up being my fault in hybrid higher education/student (. Taken us as far as it can justice peace about the Irish who. Complainer, it is your social justice peace about the Irish, who should avoid being.! Disagreement transitions to abuse going through a difficult time as our Community is grieving the of! Seeks to dictate reality to his victim and control over others, extreme selfishness, and it.... About being a reflection of your actions nerve to question the narc about anything,. Any apology that ends with but is not your fault to avoid feeling any for... Or blaming another person, the blame-shifter frames what he or she didnt do as a... What, but Im calling it what you what, but Im calling it what you what, but abuser. And burdens are being abused but your conduct is ours ( i.e., ). We sacrificed candor for gain, and Recovering relationship where the narcissist maintains control by using abusive!: not only do abusive husbands often minimize it as well angry Heres a thought why... Is that by saying the victim also stems in part from our to... Tools and resources as being a complainer, it can be an immature used. Attacking or blaming another person rather than accepting criticism or blame you well though... The other path is violence and I believe we agree, too many have been perfect, but went!